Baby bottles. Lunch boxes. Toddler art on the fridge. Random socks and stuffed animals scattered on the floor. Such is the landscape of having kids, of mothering the next generation.

As familiar as all those items are, there’s also something else there, something that makes its way into almost every mother’s emotional landscape.

What would that be?

Mom guilt.

As it turns out, 90% of moms experience it. 1 

What is mom guilt? It’s those persistent feelings that you’re not measuring up, that you’re not doing it right or maximizing your child’s experience when it comes to your mothering. It’s beating yourself up when you order in dinner instead of making a nutritious home cooked meal. It’s comparing yourself to the mom up the street whose kids are always in ironed, matching cute outfits, and yours are still in yesterday’s pajamas. It’s all the ways that you feel like you’re shorting your family, often based on the unrealistic and practically impossible standards around you.

Dr. Melissa Young, M.D., explains, “There are so many subtle — and not-so-subtle — triggers in our society that pressure us into thinking we should be able to ‘do it all. Mom guilt is a very natural experience when you consider all the competing responsibilities and expectations in our lives. But there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything you think you should be doing. The math doesn’t compute.” <sup>2 </sup>

So why is mom guilt a problem? These kinds of guilty feelings impact a number of things in your life, including your physical and emotional well-being.

Mom guilt carries with it a significant sense of stress; that you’re behind, that you’re not getting it all done, that you should be doing more. This raises cortisol and adrenaline throughout your body, and chronic levels of these stress hormones can lead to weight gain (particularly in the abdomen), high blood pressure, and muscle weakness. 3  You may also find that your digestive system is more sensitive and that you have trouble getting a good night’s sleep. And that’s the perfect recipe for feeling burned out and even resentful in your parenting journey.

Mom guilt can also eat away at your joy in your parenting. Let’s face it, if you’re always telling yourself you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard to be a happy mom! 

“Parenting is not a competition. It’s about doing what’s best for your family.”

Unknown

So what can you do, as we’re getting ready to celebrate moms for Mother’s Day, to help kick mom guilt to the door?

🗑️ Ditch Comparison: Everyone’s life, everyone’s energy level, and, yes, everyone’s kids are different! Your children have unique needs, that you as their mom are uniquely equipped to meet. And that might mean that the house is messy because you’re focused on helping your child with their reading homework, and they need some extra time. It might mean that you won’t be the one to be the homeroom mom this year because you’re juggling work responsibilities and nap schedules. Comparison isn’t your friend when it comes to mom guilt. 

“Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.”

Galatians 6:4-5

🔀 There’s No One Right Way: Why do you have the standards and expectations you do for yourself? Do they come from an article you read in a parenting magazine or a class you took at church? Get to the bottom of why you feel like you’re falling short with fresh eyes. Sometimes expectations and messaging onboard themselves without us even being aware that they have.

“There is no perfect way to be a mother and a million ways to be a good one.’”

Jill Churchill

🤗 Model Self-Compassion for Your Kids: If you’re consistently tearing yourself down about your parenting and responsibilities, your kids will pick up on that. What if, instead, even in those times that you wish you’d gotten it all done or feel like you could have done a little better, you show your kids how to be kind to yourself instead? You could say, “I really wish I could have made the cupcakes for your party. But sometimes, I need a little break, just like everyone sometimes needs a little break. It’s okay to have times like that!” Instead of using a situation where you normally would point out where you think you’ve come up short, you can talk to yourself, in front of your kids, just like you would a good friend, with understanding, empathy, and kindness.

These small changes can take a lot of pressure off of you that you often put on yourself. If you’re a Member of Altrua HealthShare, you have access to telecounseling through your HealthWallet app, where you can connect with a counselor for more great tools and ideas for dealing with the stress you feel as a mom. (If you’re not a Member of Altrua HealthShare and have questions about joining the Membership or if you have questions about your current membership, you can contact a Member Services Representative at 1-888-244-3839.) And if you need prayer support in combating mom guilt, the Altrua Ministries team would be honored to join you in prayer. For this Mother’s Day, give yourself a break from the mom guilt. It will likely show up again, but you’re already a great mom! Give yourself a day to enjoy it. Happy Mother’s Day!

1  https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/nearly-90-per-cent-mothers-feel-guilty-good-news-can-conquer/
2  https://health.clevelandclinic.org/mom-guilt
3  https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037